I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
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