Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
