Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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