im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Randomize
