If i could tip my vagina, i would.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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