I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
