i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
