hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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