Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
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