Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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