Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize