walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You're a disaster
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