well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
