guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
