I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
