Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
