Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Randomize
