What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
