i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
