Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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