Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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