Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
