I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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