Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
