i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
