I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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