my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize