hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize