bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
