I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
