forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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