Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
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