Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
