I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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