Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
