There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
