So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
