Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
