Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize