Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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