I will die if light touches me.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
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