Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
