i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
only you would photoshop your dick
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
My life is pants optional.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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