I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
