Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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