zippers are such a cool invention
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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