Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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