I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
