I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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