I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
