I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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