FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
