90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Pooping to opera.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
