No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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