At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Even my vagina gasped.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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