Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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