i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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