Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
