someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
