I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
