Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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