I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Randomize
