I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Randomize
