I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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