There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
