i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
